The Chronicles of JUSTICE FIST

I have no idea what happened here.

(Once again, the lovely Webster gave me a prompt: "Word Shark". He also told me to do it in the style of a "real life crime show" or something. I don't know what that is, so I fell back on my encyclopaedic knowledge of Judge Judy. And then JUSTICE FIST happened. Seriously, I don't even).

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The Chronicles of JUSTICE FIST

(Scene: Int Courtroom. STRIPES and WEBSTER stand at the defendant & plaintiff's stands. JUSTICE FIST enters.)

VO: Oxford writer WEBSTER is suing Manchester layabout STRIPES for property damage, after a disagreement over a deadline turned heated.

BAILIFF: All rise for the honourable JUSTICE FIST.

(Cue JUSTICE FIST Intro. All dance. JUSTICE FIST shreds like a badass).

BAILIFF: The matter at hand is between this respectable citizen here and this dodgy bastard here, your honour.

JUSTICE FIST: Thank you, bailiff. Mr. WEBSTER, I have here your… incoherent statement. On the night of January 18^th 2014, you came to blows with the defendant here. Tell JUSTICE FIST... everything!

WEBSTER: I was sitting at home when Mr. STRIPES rang the doorbell. He looked… he looked…

JUSTICE FIST: Take your time if you’re upset. JUSTICE FIST knows that not all humans can be as MIGHTY as JUSTICE FIST.

WEBSTER: I’m not… that thing, y… your honour. I’m fi… I’m o… (grunts)

JUSTICE FIST: (raises eyebrow)

WEBSTER: I apologise. I am… experiencing difficulty expressing myself. I was sitting at home, writing words to satisfy Mr. STRIPES. He ordered me to write stories.

JUSTICE FIST: What’s your relationship with the defendant?

STRIPES: Well, I would, but y’know…

JUSTICE FIST: Sir, when JUSTICE FIST wants you to speak, JUSTICE FIST will say so.

(cue STRIKE ONE graphic)

STRIPES: Yes, your honour.

WEBSTER: I met him when we were… augh… (leans on the desk to steady himself)

JUSTICE FIST: BAILIFF, Mr. WEBSTER needs a stiff drink.

(BAILIFF brings Mr. WEBSTER a stiff drink)

WEBSTER: Thank you, that’s- ow!

JUSTICE FIST: Mr. WEBSTER, get on with it!

STRIPES: He always was late, your honour.

WEBSTER: University. We met there. I had friends… he shared. [NAME], [NAME] and [NAME].

JUSTICE FIST: And how did you end up writing for him?

WEBSTER: We were friends. He bought drinks, he wrote things, he ran a… a kind of gaming group I… (grunts) belonged to. He seemed… I can’t say it. We wrote things. I wrote stories; he wrote stories. He went away for a few years. He came back… changed. He said he made words in Cairo loaning En… loaning them to Egyptians.

JUSTICE FIST: JUSTICE FIST approves of foreign aid. One day, all nations should be as awesome as Fistopia!

(cue FISTOPIAN anthem)

WEBSTER: Yes, honour.

BAILIFF: Please address the judge as “your honour”, or alternatively, “Mighty JUSTICE FIST”.

WEBSTER: I apologise. Well, he came back with words. Words, words, words. (WEBSTER makes an expensive gesture). I had no words. I had deadlines. I borrowed words from him.

JUSTICE FIST: You took out a loan? Of words?

WEBSTER: Writers do it. The deadline was January 18^th.

JUSTICE FIST: Was this the first time you’d borrowed words from the defendant?

WEBSTER: No. 2009, he loaned me words. I published a thousand.

JUSTICE FIST: So what was different this time?

WEBSTER: I didn’t know anything was. I guess it was Cairo. He’s dif… he’s… I don’t know this man.

JUSTICE FIST: What were the terms of the agreement?

WEBSTER: No interest. He called it a gift.

STRIPES: I did no such thing, Mighty JUSTICE FIST; he’s lying.

JUSTICE FIST: (cutting STRIPES off) Mr. STRIPES, strike two. (cue STRIKE TWO graphic) Three strikes and you’re out!

AUDIENCE: Ooooooooh!

WEBSTER: Then he came to my house. He said he wanted the words. I told him I had none to give him. He became… he became…

JUSTICE FIST: What did he become?

WEBSTER: He said he would hurt me.

JUSTICE FIST: Did he assault you?

WEBSTER: …no. He wanted to see the words. I showed him the words.

JUSTICE FIST: These are the words he loaned you?

WEBSTER: (struggles) Yes, and no. I mixed up the loan-words and m… mine (grunts, steadies himself again)

JUSTICE FIST: So you showed him all your words, both his and your own?

WEBSTER: Yes.

JUSTICE FIST: And what did he do then?

WEBSTER: He broke the adjectives.

JUSTICE FIST: …what.

WEBSTER: He broke m… the adjectives.

JUSTICE FIST: I don’t understand.

WEBSTER: I can’t use adjectives. Adjectives, no. Adverbs, slightly. I'm in agony… (takes a deep breath) when I use adjective clauses. I can say articles, though. He left me those. He said they weren’t considered adjectives.

JUSTICE FIST: …how did he do this?

WEBSTER: He had a hammer.

JUSTICE FIST: And you didn’t notice the hammer when you were talking?

WEBSTER: It was a sm… it fit in his pocket.

JUSTICE FIST: So an adjective’s a delicate thing, is it?

WEBSTER: Yes. He did not have to hit them… hard.

JUSTICE FIST: …isn’t “hard” an adjective?

WEBSTER: It's an adjective and an adverb, honour.

(cue Time’s Up! music)

JUSTICE FIST: Alright! Your time’s up! JUSTICE FIST will return after these commercials!

(cue commercials)

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(Scene: Int Courtroom. JUSTICE FIST enters.)

VO: Oxford writer WEBSTER accuses Manchester layabout STRIPES of breaking his adjectives, leaving him unable to work.

BAILIFF: All rise for the honourable JUSTICE FIST.

(Cue JUSTICE FIST Intro. All dance. JUSTICE FIST shreds like a badass).

JUSTICE FIST: Thank you, bailiff. Mr. STRIPES, you've heard the accusation. Defend yourself!

STRIPES: It was as he says.

JUSTICE FIST: …what.

STRIPES: And I’ll absolutely pay him any sum he can name.

(cue GUILTY graphics, music)

JUSTICE FIST: Hoo-ah! Justice is served! Mr. WEBSTER: you heard the man! Name your price! Ooh yeah!

WEBSTER: You know that numbers are adjectives, right?

STRIPES: Damn right.

(AUDIENCE gasp! Cue REVERSAL graphics)

VO: A Reversal has been played. This means the fucker might be about to get off on a technicality.

WEBSTER: I hate you.

JUSTICE FIST: Justice has been served! Mighty JUSTICE FIST grows tired of your mewling!

STRIPES: Any number he can name in pounds, Mighty JUSTICE FIST.

WEBSTER: Million.

STRIPES: How many millions?

WEBSTER: One.

STRIPES: One million… what?

WEBSTER: Pounds.

STRIPES: Sentence fragment; consider revising.

WEBSTER: (screaming) I will wound you!

STRIPES: Gasp!

(cue CRIMINALITY graphics, music)

JUSTICE FIST: Mr. WEBSTER, only JUSTICE FIST can issue threats in this court!

(cue BAILIFF to take WEBSTER away)

STRIPES: Justice. I laugh in the face of justice.

JUSTICE FIST: (JUSTICE EYEBROW)

(cut to Ext. Courtroom. WEBSTER enters, handcuffed and shame-faced)

REPORTER: Mr. Webster, that’s a stunning turn of events; I have to say we outside were all very surprised. Can you describe how you’re feeling at this time?

WEBSTER: …[INVECTIVE]